the neighbors complain

i love the eagles.

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 17:20:32 GMT

okay so i hate the city of troy/troy parks and recreation. i also hate moving ENTIRE GYMNASTICS GYM SETUPS ACROSS TROY ATHENS HIGH SCHOOL. thank you, all the athletic directors in the city of troy, for being so organized. it's helpful to not know what anybody's doing.

anyway.

they are also paying me the same rate as a child who sews soccer balls. how ridiculous. i flung my shoe in anger earlier.

at least i get to go up north in less than two weeks. YAY!
also i have a shit ton of shit to do this week. including calling like 983 people by tonight. blah!

i miss people. let's hang out!

i also need to practice. AHHHH AHAHA I HAVEN'T ALL SUMMER AND I HAVE AN ORCHESTRA AUDITION IN A MONTH!!!!!!!!!! i'm the worst music major in the world. oops! i'm pretty excited for school to start again though, even if i'm taking 18 credits and i'm in class ALL THE TIME. ALL THE FUCKING. TIME. ridonkulous.

today i'm having a hair removal adventure. i'm going to wax my legs and hopefully not rip off the skin in the process. IT'S GONNA BE HILARIOUS.

my mom needs to get off the phone so we can go to caribou. even though i haven't had caffiene in 58 DAYS!!!!!!!!! i just love the experience you know.

i'm going to go and get even more excited to go to glen arbor in 12 days. i also get to bring steven for a few days... HAHAHA poor boy. being exposed to not only the welsh/naoum clan but ALSO the hanna clan is going to be the true test. YIP!

p.s. i hope i've cleared up all the issues that i've had recently in response to my friendliness. i was unaware that so many people read so deep into my wanting to hang out. oops. i suppose i can be an asshole. i swear, i get myself into the craziest and stupidest situations.

ah well.

PAYCE

reallllllll slowwwww

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 04:30:06 GMT

i just need to remind myself of what a moron i am in a separate place from the last entry.

don't.
do.
this.
to.
yourself.
you.
are.
a.
fucktard.

refer to a few entries ago and remember.

i do not appreciate how much i lose my mind at the times i need it most. think think think emily. always remember you can't change anyone.

i also got a new cell phone. it's snazzy.

minor catastrophes

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 04:21:22 GMT

i think it's interesting that the whole "learn from your mistakes" thing totally doesn't work in the world of emily.

ohhh shit. mostly the same stress and worry and anxiety only with new faces. but not even really. what the f. somebody please just slap me into sanity. that's all i need. that's it.

mmm. i have so many crappy errands to do still. like GET HASSAN A BDAY GIFT. almost 2 weeks late now. and then do all the other shit i know i need to but i'm too lazy to. like vacuum my car. although i had a good reason for delaying that because of that fucking CRAZY SPIDER ATTACHED TO MY SIDE MIRROR that i needed a big brave man to kill for me. but now it's been assasinated and i have no reason not to clean my car. so fuck.

that was a stupid story.

i love summer though. yes yes i do.

REMEMBER HOW I NEED TO PRACTICE THE BASS I FINALLY PICKED UP BUT HAVEN'T PRACTICE? shit. ballz. orchestra auditions are like... less than 2 months away and fucking HARD AS FUCK.

also my dad just noticed that i got my ear pierced again... 6 MONTHS AGO. what a doofus. then he told me it's the reason i'm so vulgar. little does he know i've always been vulgar. this is the problem with being at home i've decided. wtf. i have to fucking not be obscene and crude as openly. i miss my southerner roomates.

i'm going to st. louis on sunday. wee!
i have to work on saturday. boo!
i get my hair nails and eyebrows done tomorrow! DOUBLE WEE!
lifetime offers CORE 4x a week now. wee!

seriously.

i can't wait to go up north.

and c'mon. why can't i get a grip sometimes? i'm so easily persuaded.

mm many days have passed

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 02:20:23 GMT

i'm really bad about updating. oh pishaww.

i'm trying to be optimistic again because you know, life is better that way. i mean, that's the whole point of optimism really. right? i don't know.

what if we're given all these chances and we don't see them because they stem from losing something. maybe we should let go of what we're losing and grab hold of the chance we're being given and make the loss into something good. i guess it made sense to me this morning while i was laying in bed hitting snooze for the 2nd or 3rd time. 9AM class is less than desirable. which makes me really excited for my 830 on NORTH next fall AND winter. shitz.

i also looked up requirements and stuff for various medical schools today and i'm kind of not so scared anymore. i'm glad i came here. and surprisingly, a lot of the schools mentioned they are looking for "liberal art" studies in undergrad so um... i guess music wasn't such a horrendous and obscene choice. although it still was sort of. but anyway. i'm kind of excited. granted i have 3 more years but still. you gotta get a little flicker of excitement when you see where your life is headed.

i think it's interesting how much easier life gets when you let yourself share embarassing or horrible or deep dark secrets with a friend. and you don't think it should work that way because you're afraid someone else will judge you or scold you but... it doesn't work that way when it's the right person or friend. and how much closer you feel to someone when they do the same. i guess i kind of love my friends even more than i thought. i mean. and that's a LOT.

i also never thought i'd be one to put myself in a situation i was afraid of and actually TRY in it anyway. i surprise myself i guess. maybe my fear makes me convince myself of other things to keep myself safe. maybe what i know is great and unique and completely trusting actually IS all of those things. maybe love and friendship really IS more important and lasting than simply lust. maybe mind speaks over heart because the heart is so easily fooled. maybe all this time i've been paranoid and worried and unsure because i read way deeper into the person i've actually been able to read perfectly this entire time. maybe it's just that easy. and maybe i can be happy.

maybe i love that we prioritize our lives the same, even if that means both of us put school ahead of eachother and ourselves ahead of everything. maybe i love that we can be vulgar. maybe i love that we make eachother laugh uncontrollably. maybe i love that we can sit in silence. maybe i love that we can talk about nerdy and political and artistic and scientific and encyclopedic topics and have opinions. maybe i even love that we were raised with the same values but in two COMPLETELY different families and cultures. maybe i love that we can be ourselves together. maybe i love that we can be together without me twitching from personal space invasion. maybe it is just right.

isn't it silly that i say this now. i mean really.

i guess i've let myself be put through hell, then put myself through hell, then thought i got out of hell, then put myself BACK through even lower circles of hell, and then came out here. not bad. not bad at all.

i had a conversation with zannah though that still makes me uncomfortable about some things that i didn't think about for a LONG long time. how long can you hold a friendship that wasn't always based in friendship before it comes around again and sets you up for confusion? how does someone so bad at proper decision making keep themself safe from making bad decisions when they're right in front of you? how are you sure that the things you've always called bad decisions really ARE bad decisions? but you really can't change people. or their minds. so i guess there isn't really an argument to be made here. or a thought to be considered. cause yeah. yeah. i just wish i didn't think so deeply into people reactions or comments or whatever. sometimes i'm a fucktard.

i really wish my bass was back from the shop.
i really need to practice excerpts.
i really need to make money.
i really need to not fail my classes.
i really want a haircut and not massive roots.
i really want my eyebrows waxed. and possibly my legs.
i really need to use this certificate for a professional massage.
i really need to relax in the sun by a pool and read again.
i really hope i'm not illiterate by now.

sometimes my thoughts are seriously trivial. my laundry is just about done. i'm excited to drive home tomorrow. i love driving ann arbor to troy. it's the perfect distance to relax and listen to some exxxxcellent IPOD playlists.

until next time.

----------------

i wanna hear what you have to say about me
hear if you're gonna live without me
i wanna hear what you want
what the hell do you want?

you step a little closer to
so close that i can't see what's going on

don't walk too close
don't breathe so soft
don't talk so sweet
don't sing
don't lay oh so near

get over here and warm my hands up, boy, it's you they love to hold

your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
and it makes me want to make you near me always

choose me
pick me, take me, oh i need to believe
oh no one else exsits for you now
and no one else exsists for me
oh, you are my home and i have
finally found my way
to where you are

well my heart knows me better than i know myself
so i'm gonna let it do all the talking

suddenly i see
why the hell it means so much to me

--------------------

DON'T STOP ME NOW

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 15:14:57 GMT

i love queen.

this week has been the slowest, most painfully dragged out week of shit. seriously. fuck. i need to return to the city that makes me feel like i have purpose and not like a crapbag that watches degrassi and mopes about her home doing nothing everyday.

it's freaking beautiful.

coffee.
dog walking.
i'm addicted to caffiene SO HARDCORE AGAIN. AHAHAHAHAHAHA but i'm probably going to have a heart attack soon so i need to laugh now before it gets really serious.

i need to do gymnastics. i need the flipping, it's soothing.

i start chemistry on tuesday.
when do i work?
thanks job, please don't inform me of the important things, it's awesome.

am i hungry?
am i sick to my stomach?
am i having a heart attack?

i'm not quite sure but that's sort of what i feel like ALL THE TIME ALL THE TIME. but the hungry one is probably the only real one because i haven't eaten normal meals in like 4 days.

oops.

water is delicious.

i want to go up north.
get the FUCK AWAY FROM ME.

know everything

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:39:59 GMT

ugh. i think i'm going to puke.

asldkvjsdalgkjasrt@#%wdlfkjszd0fgj235;lk1jTRSDG@#$^@!#TXZCvxcv.

went to the good ol troy high. and boo-lan.
lovely.

but you know.

esjf;lsdsdlaf213ror32ojir32owe07sdv08usdjlksd.

that whole thing.
still happening.

FUCK. balls.

balslslslslalsldblsa.

i'm moving back to ann arbor in less than one week from today.
and it's probably better that i do that rather than sit around here frustrated.

damn.
it.

balls.

cool wind in my hair

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 20:18:36 GMT

so i'm done with my first year of college. minus the fact that i have 2 more questions on my musicology take home final which i won't be turning in until monday but whatevs. the big shit is over.

more importantly, do you understand how hard it is to move out one dorm room full of freakin stuff?!?!? MAN. this is going to take pretty much FOREVER. i just can't wait to get home. i love it here, but freal, it's time to get home for a week until i stay here for the entire summer.

i'm sad that all the seniors will be gone next year. and by that i mean the two in the bass studio. cause that's going to be SO WEIRD. and sadly, the only incoming students are boys again. 5 new boys. what the fuck. this blows. girls play bass too.

i can't stop thinking. i can't stop wondering. i can't stop imagining. i keep making myself horribly upset. i'm forcing myself to think of things that only distress me. i'm anxious and bothered. i have too much time to actually THINK. think about my life, my decisions, my options, my future, my past, every aspect of life. i can't stop examining every detail of everything i've ever done. i need something to do. i need to get my mind off of everything that it's been on. i want to move on and exist without this anxiety and worry and thought.

have you ever woken up and not known what the feeling you're experiencing is? have you ever gone through an entire day with a blank emotion?

i'm disgustingly grateful to my best friends. even those who have no clue what's going on and/or i haven't talked to in a while. they're all beautiful and wonderful and hilarious and unforgettable and smart and witty and understanding and relatable and unique.

it feels like i need something. or nothing.

i need it. that thing. you know. it has no words. it's indescribable. it can't be denied. it's inconvenient but perfect. it requires overcoming the hardest, most horrible obstacles. it's fucked up and then beautiful. it's the hardest to get but once you get it, it's unbelievable. it exists and i know it. it's there. it's tangible and yet not. it's overwhelming and all encompassing. it's all that matters. it's comfortable but so powerful it's almost uncomfortable. it can't be forgotten.

i have to move my life out of this room.
brar.

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 04:03:09 GMT

i forgot to mention that on sunday while i was casually chatting it up with kelsey s. balling, my left pinky toenail fell off with no warning.

more importantly, i got hired at my first job ever today. BALLZ OUT. first app turned in and i got that bitch because i'm such a fucking excellent applicant. kiss my ass.

2 weeks from saturday, i'm outta this dorm hell hole.

3 weeks from sunday, i'm into a fineee ass apartment.

and a sidenote, i fell back into my old caffiene-addiction ways and it's not so good for trying to sleep. fuck! who needs that shit!

juries are 2 weeks from tomorrow though so i should use the caffiene to my advantage and practice FOREVER so i don't sound like hell and make the string faculty cry and then projectile vomit at my performance. yes sir.

KISSES!

i'm on tonight!!!!

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 20:18:17 GMT

yo diggity dogs. here are some important things to note recently:

1. i miss jimjam and fully intend to reply to one of his e-mails soon i swear. i'm a pile.
2. i'm going to be moved into a new apartment 4 weeks from today.
3. i'm going to be done with classes 2 weeks from today.
4. whoa finals are probably going to suck ass.
5. i love friends and degrassi more than doing my hw, which is not working out the best.
6. amazon.com seriously needs to speed up the deliver of my packages.
7. i'm starting to seriously hate koussevitzky and his concerto.
8. theory needs to be less pesky. except for tim sullivan who is my favorite.
9. i'm going to canada on saturday. whoop for looking pretty.
10. les mis on thursday with my daddy!!! HIPHIPHIPHIP.

well that's pretty much it.

FUCKIN RIGHT I'M GOING TO BE DONE WITH MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE IN LIKE 3 WEEKS. FUCK YES YES YES YES!! BALLS SHIT YO DIGGITY FUCKIN TAKE THAT!!!

and also ryan adams is awesomer than you.

and also espresso royale kicks. i should probably apply for a job there or something.

FUCK I NEED TO APPLY FOR A JOB IS RIGHT.
and i need to sleep cause i'm tired as fucking fuck. which is pretty tired.

p.s. i need to clean up my mouth.

i only wish i had the strength to let it show

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 22:08:25 GMT

i have several important things to address:
1. i am obsessed with uncrustable peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
2. my life has no direction.
3. i can't decide what to do this weekend or next. but i really want to see joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat and finish my musicology paper above all things.
4. i feel like i might not suck as much at the bass as i did when i got here. that is pretty reassuring.
5. math is a lot less fun than it was with kevin ortwine, even if my teacher is obsessed with lifting weights and good looking.
6. i thought i might post a couple of cool greek photos.

that's me in a theater of greece.

and that's the naoum women. in front of the parthenon. being model-esque.

and there's a bunch on facebook but like... i'm lazy and can't copy them into here and shit. so i'll get on that later but probably not. i'll just wait for personal requests or whatevs.

so in one month from today is my last final and my first formal jury. oh shit.
SHIT BALLS.
THIS YEAR IS SO FAST.

SHIT SHIT. but i have an apartment for spring.

assumption is dangerous.
alas, this is over.

some call me a skeptic, and i agree.

for you i will

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 05:26:50 GMT

i've been told now by multiple people that i'm a bad updater.

so here's a quick one.

one month from tomorrow, i'll have finished my last exam in my first year of college. YIKES.
also, i ate some delicious greek food with my fam and the welsh fam and steven and it was yummy and a lot of food.

i also have been very ponderous lately. oh and i saw ben folds and um he's great. just to be clear here.

i want something but i can't quick grasp what that is. hrm.

p.s. i am an asshole.

p.p.s. i want to go somewhere one of these weekends other than ann arbor or home. suggestions?

p.p.p.s. i also want to see joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat. takers?

cool.
and i have an apartment for this spring. BALLIN. POWER BALLIN.

my favorite candy is pez.

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 21:47:51 GMT

valentines day is such a cute holiday. i mean. even if you're single, i will probably buy you chocolates and let you share my dinner. cause it's about love. and everyone loves someone or something.

i love my dogs. i miss those little bitches. ahahahaha. seriously though.
i'm going up north this weekend. the lack of internet may drive me mad, but you will all have to deal with it.

i'm doing my laundry.
then i have a very structured, scheduled, busy ass day ahead of me.

WHAT THE FUCK
1.5 weeks until greece. where i will relax. and try and forget how insane and shitty and busy and stressful everything is. graarrrrr.

sorry that was an explosion of emotion.
bubbling within me.

p.s. i love my dreams. i love remembering them and then reliving then all day until i go back to bed. is that unhealthy? OH-FUCKING-WELL

P.P.S. LOVE!

P.P.P.S. I LOVE! THAT GYMNASTICS IS ONLY 10 MINUTES AWAY INSTEAD OF 30! LOVE!

i don't back up a thing

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 23:19:02 GMT

had my first exam of the semester today. except that it's not all over cause i have the singing test, but it feels all right. i think i'm going to be okay.

i was walking behind this kid earlier and i was thinking to myself "wow he must have been a loser in high schooL" and then i got to thinking... what is a loser? what makes a person a loser? what did they lose at to get such a title as "loser"? then i felt like a terrible person for making such a judgement because how do i know? maybe that kid was prom king and class president or something... but really he probably was a so-called loser. but i just started thinking about that.

i am really looking forward to coming back to troy this weekend even if it's for like 2 days and it will be super busy with salons/solo and ensembles but... still. i love my pups and my family. and my own room. le sigh.

also i'm looking at sublets for the spring.
yay. i am excited for the spring.
i'm almost more excited for the future than i am for the present. that's mildly depressing.

i keep wanting to sleep all day and i've gotten really excited about my humidifier. what has happened to the excitement and thrill of my life? uncertainties are no longer counting as thrills which is why the thrill count has plumetted. bahh. i can't even get my ass out of bed.

i am now going to go about my boring business of studying and learning and practicing and working and then i will relax with a 22 minutes episode of sex and the city and then sleep like always while maintaining as little meaningful social contact as possible to avoid thinking about my mostly non-existent social life.

i live in a world of excitement.

i'm sorry these entries suck. but then not really. they just reflect me recently. sucky. i suck. k? good.

later gator.

danger danger

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 03:10:11 GMT

i'm really into electric six, franz ferdinand, and my playlist titled "aww songs" right now.

anyways. today i discovered that i am such a dumbass that i was blinded by my hot math gsi's hotness and didn't realize that my math exam is the same day as the dress rehearsal for my orchestra concert. so fuck. i have to contact a bunch of assholes and tell them that i can't go to the rehearsal because clearly the exam is more important and goddamn how annoying is this. i hate being a music/biology major. i mean wtf. why do they not work at all together? fuck this shit. i just want to be a musical doctor and this ISN'T going to work if i'm in orchestra 2304923042 hours a day. which is strange because there are only 24 hours in a day and i'm in the orchestra a lot more than that apparantly.

what am i doing this weekend? i really want to have a drunken dinosaur bass party but i'm not sure if that's going down. wtf. i just want to have a good time saturday night because friday and saturday i'm going to be either 1. at the salon or 2. solo and ensemble. wtf?! i'm in college and i'm still doing that bitch of a musical event. whatevs. i get paid.

i've had one of those weeks where i don't know what's going on with my emotions and it's not even hormonal. it's one of those assholes mind tornados that leaves you feeling somewhat empty, somewhat confused, and very contemplative. i no longer have a clue what i appreciate, what i want, what i don't want, and what the fuck anyone else wants from me. it's actually somewhat of a horrible revelation.

what's right for me? what's right for anyone? what is "right" versus "wrong" for a person?

and should i be regretting things that i think about that might not necessarily be "okay" things to think about? is it wrong for me to reminisce about things in the past that are unattainable or unrealistic now? is there a line that i should be drawing in my mind?

i saw tristan and isolde on friday and ended up almost crying. that is CLEARLY a sign that i am very emotionally unstable since i am usually a robot. but i mean it was a really sad movie but it made me think about wayyy too much and connect wayyy too much to my own life. and it wasn't even that clear of connections. i just depressed myself for no apparant reason.

i feel guilty for feeling some emotions and frustrated for not feeling others. how does that make any sense, i do not know.

in two weeks, it will mark one year that i have spent with one person. for some reason this fact made me actually shout outloud to my mom when she mentioned it. holy shit. that's such a long time. i never thought i would feel anxiety about having such a long monogamous relationship but when i thought about it today, i was hit with a sense of shock. i don't think it's that i feel trapped, but it's something. not good, not bad, but something deep down that's asking a question. i'm not even sure what the question is. but i'm feeling very anxious, as usual. damnit. why did i have to inherit the incessant worry-gene from my dad? i don't even know why i'm worried if i am, but i don't know what i am. i'm just. hrm. blah. wtf.

what the fuck is right and how do i know if it's right or wrong or if it just doesn't fit?

fuck.
oh well.

i don't know.
but i did get my ear pierced on saturday and it was crazy as shit. i forgot how scary it is to have a needle shoved through your earlobe. oh shit. it was pretty crazy.

annddddd i have an aural theory exam tomorrow that i have of course only sort of studied for because how the fuck do you study aural theory? i hope i do all right. i really want to feel confident in such a stupid subject but it's so fucked up. blah. oh well.

this semester is totally shittier than last semester except that i like waking up later this semester as opposed to last. but wtf. musicology is shit. math is hard and time consuming. theories are long and boring and the only thing that really keeps me going is having my computer to play around on. i just want to be done with the exams and be in greece. arghh. this is so. fucking. HARD. college is annoying except on fridays and saturdays and occasionally wednesdays.

but you get what you asked for. and i asked for music performance and biology majors. fuck me.

well now that i've bitched about most of the aspects of my life i should at least mention that this weekend i get to hang with my sisters, parents, and dogs for at least friday and saturday so that's cool, right? right. and i got my new dinosaur movies so i'm pretty pumped.

sorry this sucks.
but not really.
cause i like bitching and moaning to my livejournal rather than a friend who would probably get bored and want to slap me. cause i'd want to slap me.

BAH.

okay.

i have to do SOMETHING now.
payce.

dee-lish

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 14:21:30 GMT

this week i am not going to have a life.

not that it matters because i live on the fucking north pole where no one can see me anyway and i am trapped in a 11x14 jail cell where i have to do tedious studies of nonsense.

grr.

i just want something from someone.

ICHABAD CRANE AND THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN?!

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 03:51:28 GMT

weekend was fun.
school week will not be.

fuck gateways. i'm lazy and i don't want to do stuff outside of class. excuse me.

my new goal is to practice 6 out of 7 days a week. so far... oh crap. but sort of yeah so far so good.

man the music party was freakin fun last night. i really enjoyed drinking straight from a bottle of wine like a hobo. but also it was nice to hang with kids i see everyday but don't know. yes so touching.

WHAT THE F IS WITH THIS COUGH?! goddamn it's annoying.

and what's with school? damn i hate getting up early.

this entry was stupid. why am i updating at all???

i love bbq. bbq anything.

AND TOMORROW = TURKEY CHIPTOLE WRAPS!!
KICKASS!!
I LOVE THOSE THINGS!!

yum and delicious.
i want you.

just a note ... but longer

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 06:20:19 GMT

i like choirs that sing loudly behind orchestras i guess. i mean. that's pretty rockin'.

i just wanted to include the comment i left on kelseys journal cause i almost spit out my chocolate milk (hi yeah i'm 12) when i laughed at my own joke.

today a guy named steve with a goatee that was approximately 31 years old hit on me drunkenly and his breath smelled like cheap vodka. what kind of men do i attract?

if you guessed guys named steve, you were correct.

i'm hilarious.
let's all party this weekend cause school is a silly bitch. i will slap her face.
then go to a bass day saturday and eat free pizza and drink non-carbonated beverages that i am in charge of bringing.
then go on a date with ashwin to the auto show. hellz yeah d-town! 2 troy kids coming to get mugged woo!

so i don't have class until 1130 tomorrow.
SCORE.
thank you brian, for cancelling our sectional so that i can sleep.
yum.
delicieuse.

i wonder what happened on OC though? i missed it and i was FURIOSO. with the o at the end for italian effect.

fuck.

i am on drugs.
but not drunk.
or actually on drugs.
just cracked out on life.

WHY CAN'T I STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU IT'S CRAZY?!?!?!?!?! but not too shabby a deal for either of us.

and btw dreams are fun. for everyone!

and btw my penguin mood icon does a flip to signify that it feels crazy. ahahahaha.

come on courage, teach me to be shy

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 05:24:29 GMT

it's so funny looking back on livejournal entries thoughtout... however long and seeing the problems and emotions i face now from way back when too. it's weird.

i get myself into the same problems.
i deny the same issues.
i feel the same emotions.
but with different people.
and sometimes the same people.
and sometimes i see the same problems emerging.

but sometimes, i see much easier solutions.
and sometimes, i make much better choices.

i was listening to a song yesterday that reminded me of what i have now and i almost cried like a stupid little girl because i was so overwhelmed because i felt lucky.

it's just right.
just like this.
i'm glad i found it.
and i'm glad you found me.

i don't want to explore the posssibilties or the what ifs or the maybes anymore.
i want to be here. stable. content. loved. cared about. it doesn't have to be forever. it could be forever. it could be anything. and i love that.

i love you.

i don't want to hurt anyone.
but i might.
but this is it.

and on a totally unrelated note.
i hope i find a way to explain myself without putting myself in a compromising position and losing one of my closest friendships.
i probably won't.
but i'm trying.

( come away with me )

hm.
i guess that's all for now.
this is the most vague and stupid entry ever.
sort of.
whatever.
love!

i just want to look at you!

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 08:13:55 GMT

kehehe
i stole this.

You scored as Biology. You should be a Biology major! You are passionate about the sciences, and you enjoy studying cell growth and evolutionary concepts which enable living organisms to survive. Pursue that!

</td>

Biology

100%

Dance

83%

Engineering

75%

Mathematics

75%

Chemistry

67%

Sociology

67%

Journalism

58%

Psychology

58%

Anthropology

58%

Philosophy

50%

Art

42%

Linguistics

42%

English

33%

Theater

33%

What is your Perfect Major?
created with QuizFarm.com

good thing music wasn't on there. haha. but clearly i belong dancing...???
insanity!

ho ho ho and a merry xmas.
got lots of gifts. yay. went shopping today.
going shopping tomorrow.
hip hip hip.

i haven't seen very many people over break. oops. i am going to get on that.

it's great that the wireless internet in my house is so shitty but only in MY ROOM. wtf. i must have steel walls or something.

what am i doing for new years? you may be asking. you tell me. silly lady.

i love my dogs. i'm glad i'm home to cuddle them.

SHIT. DOES ANYONE ELSE REALIZE HOW BAD NEXT SEMESTER IS GOING TO SUCK THOUGH!? FUCKIN A. I'M GOING TO EXPLODE. but whatevs. it'll work out. i have a ridiculous college plan. no worries. it's coo.

family is cool. remember that.
so are friends. yeah they're fun.

and one really fun feeling is that feeling of complete trust despite your rational/psychotic paranoia that you should be freaking the f out all the time forever. and that feeling of deep friendship and caring and affection triggered by the goofiest thing. and goofiness. and pure comfort. and smiles.

letting yourself go. it's beautiful.

the sangeorzans are in town on wednesday for two hours. so us and welshs get to see those crazy washingtonians for two seconds before they leave again. and then we're seeing kingkong. woot.

WOOT.

movies are so kickass. go see brokeback mountain. HOTT.

i wish i were less awake right now so that i could be asleep. psh.
i hope that soon i'll be able to clear my mind though.
i must get my outfit for friday night together. horray for jennifer and OMARS engagement. hiphip.

so when are we hanging out this break? you let me know.
love, me

p.s. please be worth my time.
p.p.s. think back to a year ago. WHOA SHIT. blows your mind, huh?

p.p.p.s. today katie and i laughed at a bag flying out of the trunk of a vehicle for a solid 4 minutes and i almost drowned in my frappacino. caffienated trips to the village are priceless, truly.

makemakemakeyouscreammakeyouscream!!!!

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 22:00:43 GMT

so i never update. sorry about that. my life is oh-so-interesting i know everyone has been on the edge of their seats waiting for my next update, but i've been bad. slapslap.

but here it is!

so i am 1 final away from being officially done with my first semester of college. how nutso is that. pretty nutso. i must say. not too shabby. my final today was the "biggest" one essentially, my jury aka performance final. and damn, i'm proud of me. i wasn't shaking uncontrollably, i didn't majorly fuck up, i just played. fancy that. a performance player playing. and well! go me.

and now i have xmas. i'm so excited. this is gonna be a good one. just 2ish more gifts left to get people and i'll be set. yay. let it snow. even though it's snowing SUPER hard and insanely right now and i thought i got frostbite on my toes, i love the snow.

by the way. no matter how much i clean my damn dorm room, i swear to GOD it just keeps needing to be vacuumed and dusted and shit. what's that all about? i do not appreciate it at all. no sir. not at all.

also. i'm very excited to live somewhere that is NOT a dorm next year and enjoy my own personal space and my own room where no one else is and also have a normal sized kitchen and a table to eat instead of my desk/futon. that's gonna be special.

and i really have no other relevant things to say.

life is surprising me in the weridest, hardest to interpret ways. i don't know what to consider what way or how to approach certain situations because it's all so ... life like. unpredictable. so that's what i'm trying to handle now. what should be analyzed and what should be chalked up to fate or whatever you would call it? i guess i'm trying to handle it all in the calmest way and it's working, instead of blowing every event in my life up to be a huge deal, i'm just minimizing most of it and living. and it's nice. yes.

now that that pointless paragraph is done. i also feel i should address my gratitude for certain peoples in my life. i am grateful. that is about it.

yay for the holidays. heres some funny fotos.

only what? 3 days until stupid photo taking with the naoum sisters can recommence.

and i would so make a good model that shows off cars at a car show. you know? yeah totally.

and whatevs. check webshots for cooler stuffs.

i'll try and be better later. but now, i'm going to get my laundry.

( WHEW. once again. thank GOD the jury is over. yay. )

sort of looks like a boot

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 23:35:31 GMT

so i found a cartoon worth a livejournal update:

AHHHHHHHHHHH AHAHAHA.

dude the bird flu is scary shit. some kid also got meningitis. WHAT THE FUCK GUYS. i haven't even been vaccinated and that kid WAS and he STILL got it. i'm so fucked. fuckin fucked! oh well.

dude i have some amazing pizza in my fridge that i'm about to tear into.

WOO!

2 DAYS!

2 CLASSES!

FREEDOM! for the wonderful turkey break. fuckin right. i want some turkey. some naoum/jakinovich bonding. some passing out on neighbors couches. some omar/jennifer engagement! some puppies at home. and i'm finally getting my hair redone so that's clearly also a plus.

so i skipped theory today but i DID do macgamut, i think that evens the score, right? yeahhh. damn i hate macgamut.

there's something i've been meaning to tell you.
nahhhhh it can wait.

FOR NOW.

i'll do pics later.

i miss you.

and love you.

i have to pee. ALWAYS.
random fact.

SCHOOL IS GOING TO RULE/BE HARD BUT FUN.

i love learning. so does kim chou.

p.s. please let me move into bdubs 2006 like... tomorrow. kthanx.

une lettre

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 00:20:04 GMT

dear school,
i want to quit you. you kick my ass and then i don't sleep at appropriate times and i feel like a hobo. then i have to play my bass at midnight and stalk people in practice rooms so that i don't have to walk home alone and the people here are afraid of that. also why did you allow macgamut to be invented. also why do i live so far away from the world. but thank you for letting jimjam come visit me tomorrow and for giving me a parking pass so that i can be mobile.
love, emily

so that's the letter that i'm going to submit to the university of michigan. it's monday andddd i'm ready to not do homework.

dude.

halloweekend. i have very little to say other than ... HHMMMMMMMM.

house parties. sig ep parties. slumber parties. bass parties. flannel. chi phi parties. more flannel. oxford housing. wandering burs. a solid day of dorkistra with no breaks to escape.

that was really about it.

i feel disconnected. and crazy. and to an extent emotionless. WHAT IS HAPPENING. I JUST WANT TO SLEEP AND BE HUMAN AGAIN. so i'm going to watch scary movies tonight. probably alone. because some pretty people refuse to be scared with me. but yeah. i want to just... feel less jambled scrambled crazy. i don't like this.

my mom sent me candy. yay for halloween.

so now that i've wasted 1.5 hours passing out in my bed and .5 hours doing nothing on my computer i should probably do my english assignment.

my brain is exploding.

don't lie to me.
i have to turn away.
i feel sorry for you.
i miss you.
i want to be there.
let's be that again.
i hope you still care.
i still want to hurt you.
this could be all right.
please say this is real.
don't let me be a fool.

p.s. i started making a christmas list and i realized i asked for TWO things that were related to my bass and realized i have a serious problem. THAT IS NOT OKAY. freakin music school.

okay.

lovehugsanddrugs

(why. OKAY I'M DONE.)

YOU LIKE THIS

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 22:29:21 GMT

[Marital Status]	working on it, i'm at u of m to get my MRS degree
[Shoe size]	8-8 1/2
[Parents still together]	you betcha, those lovebirds. SICK.
[Siblings]	1... 1/2. mary is really more of a pet than a sister.
[Pets]	2... 1/2. that other half is mary. AND MY PUPPIES.
*FAVORITES*
[Color]	CLEAR
[Number]	69 ... actually 4
[Animal]	...dog? GIRAFFE.
[Drinks]	the good kind. chocolate milk. fine wine.
[Soda]	i don't drink pop
[Book]	lots. i guess harry potter kicks all books asses.
[Flower]	rose or sunflower or orchid
*DO YOU*
[Color your hair?]	haha no it's totally natural like duh
[Twirl your hair?]	nah not really
[Have tattoos?]	negative
[Have Piercings?]	affirmative
[Cheat on tests/homework?]	well techincally it IS cheating to do it together, but fuck gavin chuck.
[Drink/Smoke?]	pure ethanol/crack
[Like roller coasters?]	hellz yeah
[Wish you could live somewhere else?]	nah ann arbor is cool
[Want more piercings?]	not really
[Like cleaning?]	HELLZ YEAH
[Write in cursive or print?]	print, i don't even remember how to do cursive
[Own a web cam?]	hahaha no but my dad asked me if i wanted on so i told him i guess it would help jumpstart my internet porn gig
[Know how to drive?]	technically yes
[Own a cell phone?]	yes yes
[Ever get off the damn computer?]	rarely
*HAVE U EVER*
[Been in a fist fight?]	no but i told people i was when i busted open my lip to sound like a badass
[Considered a life of crime?]	yes i'm a thief
[Considered being a hooker?]	it's my weekend hobby actually
[Lied to someone?]	i only speak the truth.... AHA.
[Been in love?]	yes
[Made out with JUST a friend?]	yes but it didn't quite end that way
[Been in lust?]	haha. WHO HASN'T
[Used someone]	not to my knowledge
[Been used?]	not to my knowledge but probably
[Been cheated on?]	your mom was too irresistable for him
[Kicked someone in the nuts?]	probably danny as a child
[Stolen anything?]	nope
[Held a gun]	uhh A SUPER SOAKER HELL YEAH
*CURRENTS*
[Current clothing]	jeans teeshirt tank top zipup
[Current mood]	tired and contemplative
[Current taste]	starbucks
[What you currently smell like]	not good
[Current hair]	blonde, straight, crazy
[Current thing I ought to be doing]	macgamut/reading
[Current cd in stereo]	i don't have a stereo andthe only cd i have in my computer is macgamut. MACDAMNIT.
[Last book you read]	uh oh... lullaby by chuck palahinuk
[Last movie you saw]	i wish i could remember this
[Last thing you ate]	a creepy nutty fruity cookie
[Last person you talked to on the phone]	nick
[Do drugs?]	just the crack
[Believe there is life on other planets?]	heck yeah they probed me
Remember your first love?]	aw yes
[Still love him/her?]	haha deep down i do have a soft spot for mikey b
[Read the newspaper?]	only the every three weekly which really isn't a newspaper
[Have any gay or lesbian friends?]	yeah
[Believe in miracles?]	THERE CAN BE MIRACLES WHEN YOU BELIEVE
[Do well in school?]	...we'll see in december
[Wear hats]	YOU BET YOUR ASS
[Hate yourself?]	not really
[Have an obsession?]	with your ass, yes
[Collect anything?]	sort of
[Have a best friend?]	singular best friends are only for picky people
[Close friends?]	yeah
[Like your handwriting?]	it's okay
[Care about looks]	to an extent yeah
*LOVE LIFE*
[First crush]	the boy on my bus in kindergarten
[First kiss]	unexpected
[Do you believe in love at first sight?]	nah but who knows
[Do you believe in "the one?"]	there can probably be more than just ONE one
[Are you a tease?]	...i've been told
[Too shy to make the first move?]	nah
*ARE U A*
[Daydreamer]	when you sit through gavin chucks rambling you can't help it
[Bitch/Asshole]	aren't we all deep down?
[sarcastic]	yeah right
[Angel]	yes
[Devil]	yes ... haha. I'M BOTH.
[Shy]	when people are WEIRD. or older and scarier.
[Talkative]	SHUT UP. yes.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

yesterday night was out of control. oh dude. i sure know how to make myself look cool.

i have to do homework.
DAMNIT.

jimjam in 3 days!

burnin up for you

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 18:42:37 GMT

so i decided i like these doobers.

10 FAVORITES
Favorite Color: i started to list some but then realized i listed the entire rainbow so... all colors are game with me. especially clear.
Favorite Food: mashed potaters, jell-o
Favorite Month: i kinda like june when it's not humid. i love the heat. hot hot heat.
Favorite Song: i like all songs. but the classic is imagine me and you. the turtles. that's my daddy's song for all the girls in my family. i love it.
Favorite Sport: ...gymnastics. honestly.
Favorite Season: summer / early fall
Favorite Day Of the Week: friday. DAMN it's awesome.
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: chocolate, i'm a classic kinda lady
Favorite Time of Day: late night.

9 CURRENTS
Current Mood: like exploding cause i ate a lot, loved, perky, goofy
Current Taste: hummus
Current Clothes: white shirt, lucky jeans, tank top, bra, underwear
Current Desktop: a picture of me and katie and lindsay and kim
Current Toenail Color: red! surprisingly my toes are even painted
Current Time: 2:34
Current Surroundings: my dorm room --- futon, beds, desks, fridge, curtains, our awesome halloween decorations
Current Thoughts: "imagine that. i'm always surprised by this kid. shit. i don't want to perform in studio. i am going to be late meeting zannah cause i'm filling out this online thing. why do i have a cut inside my nose and why does it look like a bloody booger"

8 FIRSTS
First Best Friend: ryan sikorski
First Screen Name: thebun7 -- i tried to hunt down the chick that took it after i was done but she never signed online and i wanted it back
First Pet: bandit
First Piercing: my ears ... at TROY DAZE. way to watch me as a stupid 4 year old, mom.
First Crush: christopher johnson
First Car: my good ol' mazda

7 LASTS
Last Kiss: about 10 minutes ago
Last Drink: orange juice
Last Movie Seen: shit. it's been too long cause i cannot remember.
Last Phone Call: steve angrily calling to tell me i wasn't running fast enough to burs to meet him for lunch
Last CD Played: the drone CD diana gave me. yeah it just plays one note for 5 minutes straight.
Last Tv show watched: full house

6 HAVE YOU EVERS
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends: you could say that......
Have You Ever Broken the Law: haha. really now. REALLY. i distinctly remembering a lot of vandalism on my personal record. and probably drinking at all is illegal so... yeah. yes i have.
Have You Ever Been Arrested: fuck the po! they'll never catch me.
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: ...damnit. yes.
Have You Ever Been on TV: hellz yeah, i'm a troy public access celebrity
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: that depends on your definition of "knowing" someone...

5 THINGS
Things You're Wearing: bra, underwear, necklace, rings, bracelets
Things You've Done Today: took a shower, went to theory, went to my lesson, played a duet, ate lunch
Things You Can Hear Right Now: my music, random cars outside, myself typing
Things You Can't Live Without: my family, my friends, my doggies, music, sleep
Things You Do When You're Bored: go online, laugh at nothing, listen to music, watch tv, eat

4 PLACES YOU'VE BEEN TODAY:
my room, the shower, the music building, the cafeteria

3 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO:
steve, leah, katiemcbatie

2 CHOICES
1. Black or White: white
2. Hot or Cold: hot

1 THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: experience mutually ridiculous and true love

so.

um.

halloweekend.

i'm being a bball playa. watch out bitches. i'll slap you.

my hands smell weird. ew.

!! emily !!

i love my new jacket.

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 05:21:21 GMT

fuck you livejournal for deleting my entire FUCKING entry.

sometimes i am a douche.
sometimes i need to be a douche even if i really really don't want to be.

sometimes my mom thinks that she's getting flowers delivered by my dad but really they're being delivered to ME and i become very happy and surprised and she is somewhat deflated. i love sweetness.

someday, i'm going to return this level of smitten...ness. i want to be able to do everything that you do for me on an emotional scale. it's crazy. absolutely crazy.

it's sort of funny how the one person i should be able to read best is the one that throws me off the most. but it has worked out thus far.

homecoming was weird. isn't it strange that i don't go to troy high anymore? i felt incredibly out of place at the football game and parade but at the same time, it was sort of cool. it's only been a year but it feels like high school was forever ago. i never understood how quickly you leave high school mentally. thank goodness i guess. but man. being back in troy can be fun in a way. especially when i'm showering without sandals and sleeping in a non bunkbed. phew.

i miss the presence for some reason. it's not been so so long. i just miss it right now.

hmhmhm.

my tum hurts.
i love my dogs.

p.s. happy birthday to my big sister. she's 2 decades old. holy shit. that's old.

p.p.s. i love trying on pretty dresses.

p.p.p.s. how come haunted houses have such long lines? and how come horrible horror films have to make up for the awfulness of their content by having lots of blood, guts, and softcore porn? i'll never know.